Today’s Mill has its head in the clouds

Some years ago research carried out by unlicensed Chinese neurologists on a sample group of 5,000 men with internet access and a large comic book collection that they keep in little plastic sleeves and occasionally brood over concluded that, when most people picture The Mill, the image that springs into their mind is either:

(a) a pleasantly shuttered, Flemish-style clapboard and oak-beamed structure on a slight incline, set against a cloudless sky in fine, rolling countryside which, pushing open its heavy front door, turns out to be operated entirely by very small, frightening pig-faced men; or

(b) an overheated strobe-lit basement down a narrow hidden staircase that smells overpoweringly of meat and where the door seems to vanish as soon as it slams shut behind you and a peculiar gurgling, thrashing, chugging noise is coming from inside a studded, leather-upholstered ante-room and something is suddenly moving in the corner of your eye before, all at once, everything goes dark.

Which is strange, because in the Mill’s own mind it is a beautiful place that exists in the sky, perhaps in the first-class section of a prestigious aeroplane. A place where a smiling teenage Brazilian is constantly going somewhere, perpetually excited, always linked, continually a whizz, a picture only partially clouded by the lingering stench of something that might be, and then might not be, Harry Redknapp’s distinctive gentleman’s cologne.

Which is, by coincidence, pretty much exactly what’s going on in this morning’s Daily Mirror. There’s a picture of the Internacional starlet Sandro Ranieri (which is Portuguese for “Sandra Redknapp”) preparing himself for his £6m summer move to Tottenham by reading an English dictionary.

“I need to be prepared for my new challenge in Europe,” he said, spending 20 minutes frowning over the word “aardvark”.

West Ham are planning a sensational triple swoop on Birmingham. Liam Ridgewell and Sebastian Larsson may be available on the cheap. Christian Benítez, who runs a lot and tries very hard but rarely scores goals, is available for £7m.

Roma are dead serious about signing the quivering Arsenal defensive diva William Gallas. Their sporting director Daniele Prade attempted to “thrash out” a deal after the victory over Porto.

Harry Redknapp is frantically trying to find a club in Belgium to loan his new Zambian left-back. Emmanuel Mbola has somehow signed for Spurs even though we’re not in the transfer window. “Spurs liked me a lot but there is contract confusion with my Armenian club and my agent,” Mbola shrugged yesterday, pretty much clearing all that up then. Celtic and Rangers both want Arsenal striker “Oh” Jay Simpson, currently on loan at QPR.

In the Daily Mail delicious pigs-ear-in-mushroom-pastry-parcel dish Wellington Silva is all set to sign for Arsenal, although Fluminense want to keep the 17-year-old, who has only just got into the first team, until 2012. Wellington has agreed a £3.5m move but can’t be registered until after his 18th birthday. “We are working on a way to make it happen,” emoted leg-warmered Fluminense vice-president Alcides Antunes, dancing on top of a car.

Chelsea have opened talks with Nicolas Anelka over paying him an extra £40,000 a year until 2013. Talks The Mill imagines will be over very quickly and simply involve him muttering the word “yes”. This means they have to get rid of increasingly peripheral ageing wing-jink prodigy Joe Cole.

In The Sun David Beckham “wore the green and gold” on his return to Old Trafford. “I did it as I’m a United fan, always will be,” he said, before stopping off in Hertfordshire and Essex on his way to the airport. Portsmouth have sacked 85 staff who have nothing to do with the club going bust. Peter Storrie is still being paid £10,000 a week.

And Sol Campbell, 49, is “chasing” an England recall, presumably very slowly in a pair of XXXL shorts, waggling his elbows about a lot before eventually falling over. “You never know. I might get a sniff if I keep on playing. Why not?” he asked, putting his hands over his ears and walking off before you can answer.

Surprisingly good American Landon Donovan will play his final game for Everton on Saturday. LA Galaxy’s manager, Bruce Arena, who either does everything in US football, or is one of several men also called “Bruce Arena”, said: “Landon will be back on March 15.” Just like that. Not March the 15th. “March 15.”

And on Goal.com The Houston Dynamo have signed Francisco Navas Cobo from the Dynamo Academy. A man called James Clarkson, who presumably has both long, girly hair and horrible baggy stone-washed jeans said: “To have a successful Academy, you need talent and opportunity. In Francisco Navas Cobo, we have talent, and through Dominic Kinnear’s vision and support of the Dynamo Academy, we’ve been able to provide opportunity to Francisco and the other young men in our development system.”

Which The Mill has now written on its hand and will be repeating like a personal mantra as it attempts to struggle tearfully through the rest of the day.

Tottenham HotspurHarry RedknappRomaArsenalBirmingham CityWest Ham UnitedChelseaBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk

• Chelsea will face Aston Villa on 10 April with 5pm kick-off
• Portsmouth take on Fulham or Tottenham on 11 April from 4pm

The Football Association has confirmed the kick-off times and dates for next month’s FA Cup semi-finals at Wembley.

The games had already been set for the weekend of 10-11 April, but the FA has now revealed when the ties will be played.

Chelsea’s encounter with Aston Villa is the first semi-final and will take place on Saturday, 10 April at 5pm.

The weekend’s other tie sees Portsmouth face Tottenham or Fulham – who will replay their quarter-final on 24 March following their goalless draw at Craven Cottage – with that game taking place on Sunday, 11 April at 4pm.

ChelseaAston VillaPortsmouthFulhamTottenham HotspurFA Cupguardian.co.uk

Today’s rumours have a few of their own, mind

The Mill has spent the best part of this morning, as it always does, idly flicking through the pages of a glamour magazine. Don’t leap to judge: copying down all these stories gets so goddamn lonely after a while. And anyway, you’ll be glad this is the sort of thing the Mill gets up to, because otherwise how would we have known about the latest Brentian bon mot from Phil Brown? Upon being asked by Zoo whether he has any regrets – the pep talks, the karaoke sessions, the tan – the increasingly likeable Hull manager responded with this pithy maxim:

“I don’t drink pints of hindsight. I drink pints of Guinness.”

Short of going out on to the pitch and belting out selections from the Great French Songbook, Brown couldn’t make it any clearer that he doesn’t give a single trill what any of us think about him. To this end, the piece is illustrated by a flagrantly rheumy-eyed portrait suggesting a couple of Pints O’Piaf might have been contemplated at some point in the none-too-distant past. You have to hope Hull stay up, because you’ll miss him when he’s gone.

He’ll Be Missed When He’s Gone #2: Wilson Palacios has told Harry Redknapp that he wants to continue wearing the pristine white colours of Tottenham Hotspur, but only if there’s a different badge stitched over the cock on his left nip. “I would like to play for Real Madrid,” says the only Spurs midfielder to put a proper tackle in since the days of Graham Roberts.

Plymouth Argyle plan to sell Home Park to their holding company for £7.5m in a bid to reduce debts. Hmm, anybody seen David Conn around?

Wolverhampton Wanderers have no chance of keeping hold of their striker Kevin Doyle, insists Mick McCarthy, whose eyes have long been trained to snap immediately into focus when surveying the sorry wreckage of relegation, despite all the tears refracting the light. Aston Villa, Fulham, Sunderland and Everton all plan to run off with Doyle as though he was a bag of sweeties in a DC Thomson cartoon. “Yoinks, now for a feast,” one of them will titter as they scarper down the road. “Bah! Ma bon-bons!” McCarthy will cry.

The Wigan striker Victor Moses wants to play for Nigeria in the World Cup. He’s “considering switching to Nigerian nationality”, according to the Mirror. As he was born in Lagos, and both his parents were from Lagos, it could be argued that there’s not actually much switching to do. Ah the panoramic England perspective, eh.

Manchester United fans will be unhappy to hear that their cherished central defensive partnership is about to be broken up: Sporting Lisbon’s Daniel Carrico is to be drafted in to replace either Kolo Touré or Joleon Lescott. Meanwhile Milan are interested in Touré and Lescott’s Manchester City team-mate Emmanuel Adebayor. In line with club policy, they’ll put a bid in for him in 2027.

Martin Atkinson is favourite to referee the FA Cup final. The Mill can’t remember which one he is, and certainly isn’t going to waste any time finding out.

Now, where’s that glamour magazine? The Mill is off for a long bath.

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Tottenham HotspurReal MadridScott Murrayguardian.co.uk