Today’s tell-all wants you to join it, to form a new kind of government for Britain

With just one day to go before polling begins, the Rumour Mill has finally launched its manifesto, which is critical to persuading a wavering readership that we should remain the go-to source of daily football speculation for discerning football fans, despite our occasional tardiness, that controversial decision to do away with the comments section and an occasional over-reliance on spurious hearsay linking Bordeaux’s Marouane Chamakh with a big-money move to assorted high profile English clubs.

We appreciate that a football transfer rumour column is at its best when the bonds between speculation-purveyor and reader are strong and when the sense of purpose is clear. Today the challenges facing those who round-up and regurgitate the world’s football transfer tittle-tattle five mornings a week are immense. Liverpool are in turmoil, Manchester City’s financial resources are bottomless and Hull City are potless. But these problems can be overcome if we pull together and work together. If we remember that we are all in this together.

Some football transfer news columns say: ‘read us and we’ll reveal that Chelsea are on the verge of sticking it to Manchester City by launching a £70m bid for Liverpool striker Fernando Torres. We say: relations between Torres and Rafael Benitez are at such a low ebb that the only slight chance Liverpool have of holding on to their striker is if their manager leaves, at which point he could be temporarily replaced by a Kenny Dalglish and Ian Rush dream-ticket.

Yes this is ambitious. Yes it is optimistic. But in the end all the talk linking Manchester City striker Valeri Bojinov with a permanent £4m move to Parma after his successful loan spell, 25-year-old Sampdoria striker Giampaolo Pazzini with Arsenal and West Brom midfielder Graham Dorrans with a £5-10m move to West Ham is just that: talk, without you and your involvement.

How will we deal with the debt crisis unless Rafa Benitez brings Ajax’s well-travelled Serbian striker Marko Pantelic to whatever club he’s managing at later this summer? How will we raise responsible children unless Bolton manager Owen Coyle quickly decides whether or not to make on-loan-from-Bordeaux striker Ivan Klasnic a permanent fixture at the Reebok Stadium before his recently relegated French owners Nantes flog him elsewhere? How will we revitalise communities unless people stop asking ‘Is Steve Bruce really prepared to give Wigan Athletic £9m for Chris Kirkland and Maynor Figueroa?’ and start asking ‘Is Ipswich Town captain and midfielder Jon Walters worth the £4m Stoke manager Tony Pulis is ready to pay for him?’ Britain will change for the better when we all elect to take part, to take responsibility – if we all come together. Collective strength will overpower our problems and possibly result in watercooler gossip linking Tottenham outcast Robbie Keane with a move to Everton in exchange for Steven Pienaar.

Only together can we can get rid of this government and ease the passage of 20-year-old Icelandic goal-getting midfielder and dead-ball specialist Gylfi Sigurdsson from Reading to Newcastle United. Only together can we get the economy moving. Only together can we encourage pub chit-chat linking Manchester United with bids for CSKA Moscow midfielder Milos Krasic or Tottenham’s Croatian dynamo Luka Modric. Improve the chances of Benfica winger Angel Di Maria agreeing to move to Real Madrid, leaving Sir Alex Ferguson and Carlo Ancelotti feeling rejected. Mend our broken society. Together we can even convince goalkeeping legend Gianluigi Buffon to move to Arsenal if their move for Joe Hart falls through, because his own club Juventus has failed to qualify for the Champions League. And if we can do that, we can do anything. Yes, together we can do anything.

So the Rumour Mill’s invitation today is this: join us, to form a new kind of government for Britain.

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The Premier League title race is alive and kicking.

On the latest Football Weekly, charming host James Richardson tries not to poke too much fun at Arsenal’s capitulation against Wigan. We also look at Manchester United’s last-gasp victory against Manchester City – sparking that touching embrace between Gary Neville and Paul Scholes – while Barry Glendenning eats another delicious slice of humble pie following Tottenham’s defeat of Chelsea.

In Europe, the volcanic ash from Iceland won’t be enough to stop Barcelona travelling to Milan to meet Internazionale in their Champions League semi-final. Sid Lowe tells us about this, and Fernando Torres’s latest injury, which will keep him out of Liverpool’s Europa League clash with Atlético Madrid.

Finally, and further down the football ladder, Paul MacInnes tells us about Norwich City, who secured promotion back to the Championship at the weekend, while John Ashdown raises a glass of strong ale towards Notts County and Rochdale, who’ve successfully navigated their way out of League Two.

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Tottenham leave egg on our faces, Wenger sums up Arsenal’s plight, Arteta takes inspiration from the Three Stooges, Mancini brings an old joke to mind and that kiss was just wrong

Tottenham Hotspur are full of surprises

Who are the team that’s just beaten Arsenal and Chelsea and what have they done with the real Spurs? This time last week, Tottenham’s season was pootling along much as we’ve come to expect: an expectation-raising opening-day win against Liverpool and a 9-1 thrashing of Wigan Athletic here, a routine hiding by Arsenal and beatings at the hands of Wolves and Sunderland there. When a decent Cup run was derailed by Pompey’s motley crew of misfits just before season-defining encounters against Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United, even the most optimistic White Hart Lane regulars must have feared their campaign was about to flatline.

Their first Premier League win against Arsenal in aeons and an astonishing demolition job on Chelsea later and those of us who confidently predicted Tottenham’s end-of-season collapse have been left picking eggshell, albumen and vitellus from our gormless, slack-jawed faces. It’ll be a small price to pay if Harry Redknapp’s increasingly mature side remain a serious force to be reckoned with in next season’s Premier League. [BG]

Arsenal: ‘Unlucky, but poor’

Arsène Wenger unwittingly summed up Arsenal’s season after watching Wigan battle back to beat the Gunners 3-2 at the DW Stadium. “The goals we conceded were very poor,” said the Arsenal manager. “Unlucky but poor.” Unlucky but poor. The Gunners have been unfortunate, for sure, with injuries taking a heavy toll on a thin squad (but even then their lack of squad depth is a reason for what is surely now their failure to win the title, not an excuse), but they’ve also been the dictionary definition of poor: “insufficient”, “not adequate in quality”, “deficient or lacking in something specified”.

That “something specified” yesterday was a bit of gumption, a bit of “thou shall not pass” spirit, the nous to take the sting out of a side of no little quality themselves fighting for their Premier League lives. What makes it all the more galling for the Gunners is the fact the title will be won this season by the lowest points tally since at least 2002-03. This campaign was a chance, a 30-storey chance with magnificent chandeliers and deep-pile carpets, for this interminable stage of Project Wenger to at last emerge from its pupa and flutter off with the title. Instead the north London side remain in their chrysalis. [JA]

Arteta is better than a poke in the eye

Mikel Arteta is the neutral’s poster boy. He seems to have it all: the brave recovery from horrendous injury, rare vision and artistry on the field, dignity and equanimity despite constantly being overlooked by Spain, even the typos on his Twitter page are endearing (”Still a bit sore from the game at Goodison, was so nice to score a free kick and to get three pints”, “Thank you for all your support and woshes, today was a wonderful day for me”).

“It was amazing to see so many Evertonians at the game yesterday,” is his latest tweet, but on Saturday Morten Gamst Pedersen was left seeing only half the number of supporters at Ewood after Arteta went all Three Stooges on the Blackburn midfielder, attempting to place his index finger on the inside-back of the Norwegian’s skull via his right eye. Even then his semi-apology brought you on to his side. “I made a mistake, I shouldn’t have reacted and I apologise for it,” he said. “I probably got more upset because I was out for so long and don’t want a stupid challenge like that injuring me again. I wasn’t even touching the ball – he just trod on my ankle. It was stupid. If he did it because he wanted me to react then he got what he wanted, which I shouldn’t have done, and I’m sorry for that.” Nevertheless, it has sullied Arteta’s image. That sort of thing has no place in football. Rugby, yes, but not football. [JA]

If it ain’t broke, Roberto Mancini shouldn’t try to fix it

Far be it from us to latch on to lazy national stereotypes, but when it became apparent that what looked like a seriously attack-minded Manchester City side sent out by Roberto Mancini to face Manchester United had been instructed to approach the opposition half with extreme caution, that old gag about five-geared Italian tanks (one forward, four reverse) sprang to mind. A pale imitation of the rampant swashbuckling City team that had swept all before them in their three previous games, it came as no great surprise that they conceded a late, late winner against their fiercest rivals for the third time this season. The crucial error may have been Craig Bellamy’s late attempted crossfield pass, but Mancini should probably shoulder much of the blame for trying to play the occasion instead of the actual game. [BG]

Gary Neville and Paul Scholes should get a room

That kiss was wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. And before you scuttle off down to the comments section to level accusations of homophobia at us, don’t bother. If it was two ripped and dashing footballers – Matt Taylor-on-Jason Roberts, for example – we’d have no problem with such ostentatious public displays of man-love and possibly be a little turned on. Hell, even if Gary Neville had just planted one hand on either side of Paul Scholes’s head and laid a black-and-white movie style smacker on his lips, that would have been fine too. But it was the tenderness of the moment, the cupping of the face, the tilting of the heads, the eyes closed expectantly, the blur of ginger hair and wispy not-quite-beardedness in yesterday’s sport sections that put us off our lunch. Shudder. [BG]

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