Today’s rumours have not been on Wife Swap twice
Today’s Rumour Mill is brought to you in tribute to Falcon Heene, a six-year-old human personification of the thrilling rumours that are the Mill’s food, drink and thumping, beating, blood-soaked heart. For those of you who don’t deliberately seek out the most irrelevant stories in the news pages, Falcon is the Colorado child who was reported by his brother to have accidentally taken to the skies in a giant, flying-saucer-shaped helium-filled weather balloon. As with all the finest tittle-tattle, when the rumour first floated the world looked on, mouths agape in wonderment, and believed. The national guard scrambled its finest jet pilots to shepherd the balloon to safety. News channels followed its progress live by helicoptercam, their footage beamed into millions of homes where viewers watched, transfixed, captivated, believing.
But, as the Mill knows all too well, rumours can’t remain afloat forever, and neither can giant flying-saucer-shaped helium-filled weather balloons. And when this one finally landed, to be immediately surrounded by bulging-eyed paramedics and people wearing sheriff badges, little Falcon was nowhere to be found.
He was hiding in his loft.
And so the Mill prepares to launch its latest flotilla of balloons, buoyed by optimism, possibility and, where necessary, a little bit of helium. Some will take to the skies and glisten magnificently in the sunlight, and others will sink ignominiously back to earth where paramedics will prod them suspiciously. Time will be the judge.
Question of the day is what Sir Alex Ferguson is doing pestering Standard Liège’s crocked midfield prodigy Steven Defour with slightly weird letters. “I’ve just heard about your injury … I’m sure you must be feeling awful,” the Manchester United manager wrote in his latest missive. “I have to tell you that modern medicine and treatments are incredible … I’m going to follow your progress closely … and I hope that your mental strength holds out.”
“I don’t want people to think that I already believe myself to be a United player,” Defour said from his sickbed, “but of course I could easily imagine myself to be one.” Yes, until you leaked that embarrassing letter and annoyed your potential future manager so much that he’ll never speak to you again. Find yourself a new penpal, chum.
Ferguson has since put down his pen and is locking horns with Mark Hughes, declaring war over the £30m Internazionale right-back Maicon. Also shopping for an international right-back, albeit at the budget end of the market, is Phil Brown, who will lavish £1m on the Aarhus and Denmark ace Jakob Poulsen if Brown hasn’t been sacked as Hull’s manager by January.
Portsmouth want to keep Tottenham loanee Jamie O’Hara, “perhaps permanently”. Spurs have been offered Brazil’s mentally suspect striker Adriano on a January free transfer, and are keeping tabs on the Club Brugge midfielder Vadis Odjidja-Ofoe, possibly by the transfer of letters. Spurs go to Portsmouth this weekend without Wilson Palacios, who was banned from returning to England and ordered to party by his government following Honduras’ World Cup qualification. “I guess when the president tells you to do something, you can’t do much about it,” hummed Harry Redknapp.
Sheffield United are set to lose the £5m Matthew Kilgallon after contract talks broke down. Listen to the lad actually talking and it’s hardly surprising he failed to keep it up for long. Anyway Bolton, Wigan and Burnley are all interested. The Blades also want a permanent deal for the on-loan Blackburn keeper and tabloid headline generator Mark Bunn, inevitably throwing them into a ‘Bunn fight’.
And Carson Yeung has taken a big canister of helium, a job-lot of weather balloons and a £40m January warchest to Birmingham. “I don’t want one star name – I want a few,” he promised. “Let the fans know that the good players are coming. I won’t let them down!” In an unusual twist, Blues boss Alex McLeish has told Yeung to take his January warchest and stuff it where the sun don’t shine (or words to that effect). “We need to strengthen but I’m not going to go crazy,” he said. “It’s not necessary to spend millions – this isn’t Manchester City.”
Tottenham HotspurSimon Burntonguardian.co.uk
