Today’s Mill has its head in the clouds

Some years ago research carried out by unlicensed Chinese neurologists on a sample group of 5,000 men with internet access and a large comic book collection that they keep in little plastic sleeves and occasionally brood over concluded that, when most people picture The Mill, the image that springs into their mind is either:

(a) a pleasantly shuttered, Flemish-style clapboard and oak-beamed structure on a slight incline, set against a cloudless sky in fine, rolling countryside which, pushing open its heavy front door, turns out to be operated entirely by very small, frightening pig-faced men; or

(b) an overheated strobe-lit basement down a narrow hidden staircase that smells overpoweringly of meat and where the door seems to vanish as soon as it slams shut behind you and a peculiar gurgling, thrashing, chugging noise is coming from inside a studded, leather-upholstered ante-room and something is suddenly moving in the corner of your eye before, all at once, everything goes dark.

Which is strange, because in the Mill’s own mind it is a beautiful place that exists in the sky, perhaps in the first-class section of a prestigious aeroplane. A place where a smiling teenage Brazilian is constantly going somewhere, perpetually excited, always linked, continually a whizz, a picture only partially clouded by the lingering stench of something that might be, and then might not be, Harry Redknapp’s distinctive gentleman’s cologne.

Which is, by coincidence, pretty much exactly what’s going on in this morning’s Daily Mirror. There’s a picture of the Internacional starlet Sandro Ranieri (which is Portuguese for “Sandra Redknapp”) preparing himself for his £6m summer move to Tottenham by reading an English dictionary.

“I need to be prepared for my new challenge in Europe,” he said, spending 20 minutes frowning over the word “aardvark”.

West Ham are planning a sensational triple swoop on Birmingham. Liam Ridgewell and Sebastian Larsson may be available on the cheap. Christian Benítez, who runs a lot and tries very hard but rarely scores goals, is available for £7m.

Roma are dead serious about signing the quivering Arsenal defensive diva William Gallas. Their sporting director Daniele Prade attempted to “thrash out” a deal after the victory over Porto.

Harry Redknapp is frantically trying to find a club in Belgium to loan his new Zambian left-back. Emmanuel Mbola has somehow signed for Spurs even though we’re not in the transfer window. “Spurs liked me a lot but there is contract confusion with my Armenian club and my agent,” Mbola shrugged yesterday, pretty much clearing all that up then. Celtic and Rangers both want Arsenal striker “Oh” Jay Simpson, currently on loan at QPR.

In the Daily Mail delicious pigs-ear-in-mushroom-pastry-parcel dish Wellington Silva is all set to sign for Arsenal, although Fluminense want to keep the 17-year-old, who has only just got into the first team, until 2012. Wellington has agreed a £3.5m move but can’t be registered until after his 18th birthday. “We are working on a way to make it happen,” emoted leg-warmered Fluminense vice-president Alcides Antunes, dancing on top of a car.

Chelsea have opened talks with Nicolas Anelka over paying him an extra £40,000 a year until 2013. Talks The Mill imagines will be over very quickly and simply involve him muttering the word “yes”. This means they have to get rid of increasingly peripheral ageing wing-jink prodigy Joe Cole.

In The Sun David Beckham “wore the green and gold” on his return to Old Trafford. “I did it as I’m a United fan, always will be,” he said, before stopping off in Hertfordshire and Essex on his way to the airport. Portsmouth have sacked 85 staff who have nothing to do with the club going bust. Peter Storrie is still being paid £10,000 a week.

And Sol Campbell, 49, is “chasing” an England recall, presumably very slowly in a pair of XXXL shorts, waggling his elbows about a lot before eventually falling over. “You never know. I might get a sniff if I keep on playing. Why not?” he asked, putting his hands over his ears and walking off before you can answer.

Surprisingly good American Landon Donovan will play his final game for Everton on Saturday. LA Galaxy’s manager, Bruce Arena, who either does everything in US football, or is one of several men also called “Bruce Arena”, said: “Landon will be back on March 15.” Just like that. Not March the 15th. “March 15.”

And on Goal.com The Houston Dynamo have signed Francisco Navas Cobo from the Dynamo Academy. A man called James Clarkson, who presumably has both long, girly hair and horrible baggy stone-washed jeans said: “To have a successful Academy, you need talent and opportunity. In Francisco Navas Cobo, we have talent, and through Dominic Kinnear’s vision and support of the Dynamo Academy, we’ve been able to provide opportunity to Francisco and the other young men in our development system.”

Which The Mill has now written on its hand and will be repeating like a personal mantra as it attempts to struggle tearfully through the rest of the day.

Tottenham HotspurHarry RedknappRomaArsenalBirmingham CityWest Ham UnitedChelseaBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk

Fulham have become such a power at home this season that on the face of it Tottenham should be grateful for a second chance in their FA Cup quarter-final following Saturday’s scoreless encounter at Craven Cottage. Harry Redknapp, the Spurs manager, implied as much after the game but had the quality of his team’s finishing matched the slickness of their build-ups they might already be in the last four instead of facing a replay which could clog up their aim of finishing in the Premier League’s first four.

If the performance proved anything it was that while Peter Crouch and Roman Pavlyuchenko might be in excellent form individually they are not yet an item as an attacking partnership. The predatory instincts of Jermain Defoe, whose contribution was restricted by a hamstring problem to the last nine minutes, were badly missed as the Anglo-Russian pair struggled to maintain a tenuous link near goal. “We kept possession well enough although we didn’t create enough chances,” Redknapp admitted.

Yet the opportunity to create chances was always there and often stemmed from Gareth Bale’s consistency in outwitting Fulham’s defence on the left. The young Welshman has rarely played better. Normally he advances from left-back but here he was used as a wide man in midfield, which meant that the threat to Fulham was more immediate and occurred more often.

The frequency with which Bale reached the byline and switched the ball into the goalmouth with crosses which were more like rifle shots – and in sharp contrast to Vedran Corluka’s blunderbuss on the other flank – should have enabled Tottenham to achieve more scoring attempts than they did. And too many of those were off target.

In the end Spurs’ Brazilian goalkeeper Heurelho Gomes had a busier evening than Fulham’s Mark Schwarzer, particularly at the start of the second half when Roy Hodgson’s players managed to up their previously pedestrian tempo and get more people forward to support Bobby Zamora.

Gomes made a series of sharp saves, the best to keep out a goal-bound header from Zoltan Gera, and reaffirmed his status as a Premier League goalkeeper of genuine class. When he first arrived at White Hart Lane from PSV Eindhoven, Gomes appeared set on supporting the theory that in Brazil as in the playground the worst player goes in goal.

Redknapp’s first defeat in charge of Tottenham was the consequence of a howler by Gomes at Fulham in November last season. Yet the goalkeeper had established a reliable reputation at PSV so maybe it was just a matter of getting used to being bombarded from on high in the English game.

Either way, Redknapp was pleased his first impressions had not been borne out. “Gomes looked different to the goalkeeper who came here in 2008 when I first arrived,” he said. “He had a terrible time here but he’s a different lad now; full of confidence who looks what he is, a top keeper.”

For Fulham an FA Cup replay is equally unwelcome as they prepare to face Juventus over two legs in the Europa League, with the small matter of a visit to Manchester United in between.

Hodgson’s squad has already been stretched by injuries to such regulars as Andrew Johnson, Clint Dempsey, Paul Konchesky and John Paintsil, and the absence of Danny Murphy from midfield on Saturday was noticeable as Jonathan Greening struggled to pick up the pace.

Fulham confirmed they are a power in the Europa League when they knocked out last season’s Uefa Cup winners, Shakhtar Donetsk, and reaching the FA Cup semi-finals would further enhance Hodgson’s standing as a manufacturer of silk purses from the ears of porcine females. Fulham, too, might already be there had Zamora, having finally escaped the stifling attentions of Sébastien Bassong, not dragged his shot wide five minutes from the end.

FA CupFulhamTottenham HotspurHarry RedknappRoy HodgsonDavid Laceyguardian.co.uk