Today’s nuggets go out alone, if they go out at all
You don’t understand the sacrifices the Mill makes to bring you your daily bread. All you see are words on a page, a bon mot every year or two. What you don’t see is the work that goes into compiling the rumours. You don’t see us infiltrating the inner circle of the notorious Hainault Crew, risking life, limb and swingers just in case they have a snout who knows about a reserve full-back who might be going to League Two. You don’t see us leering our way out of bed at 5.19 on a Monday morning, leaving our beautiful imaginary girlfriend behind, before injecting caffeine in an attempt to wake ourselves up.
You don’t see us heading to a service station in the mezzanine hours, handing over our last monkey to a grizzled, pencil-thin septuagenarian in a fedora in exchange for an envelope full of priceless information, only to later find a single note inside which reads: Up yours, four eyes. You don’t see us, worst of all, reading the Daily Star.
Some days are good. Some days the rumours justify the means. But we can’t tell you all days are good days. Life’s not like that. And today is not a good day. After at least two minutes’ intense scrutiny of our various sources, the best we can offer is that David Moyes wants to sign two South Americans. They’re not even Brazilians. We can’t even type ‘David Moyes is going for a Brazilian’ with a little smirk on our face, before high-fiving our proud colleagues in celebration of the peerless delivery of an entirely original pun.
The two men Moyes wants to sign are Oscar Cardozo, a striker who plays for Paraguay and Benfica, and Javire Pinola, a left-back who plays for Nuremberg and Argentina. Pinola has one international cap but has not been picked under Diego Maradona. Given that Maradona has awarded caps to 74% of the country, and put Eva Perón, Jorge Luis Borges and Gabriella Sabatini up front the last time he submitted a teamsheet, this might be seen as a concern.
Not for Tony Pulis: he wants to add Pinola to the conveyor belt that is Stoke’s defence. (And, by the way, if Arsenal or Barcelona had as fluid a defence, we’d be hailing it as the latest manifestation of Total Football, wouldn’t we?)
Moyes also has competition for Cardozo, from Spurs, Aston Villa and Blackburn. Harry Redknapp, keen to sign the man described as the “new Sandra Redknapp”, is gathering testimonies from the likes of Darren Bent, Roman Pavlyuchenko and Florin Răducioiu to demonstrate how he really looks after centre-forwards; Martin O’Neill is pointing out that Emile Heskey averages a league goal every 481.5 minutes this season. And Sam Allardyce still bears an uncomfortable resemblance to Dame Edna Everage, at least to our caffeine-fuelled eyes.
Redknapp, that renowned Croatphile, also wants to sign Spartak Moscow’s goalkeeper Stipe Pletikosa, place him in a line-up alongside Vedran Corluka, Luka Modric and Nico Kranjcar, and shake his head in bewilderment as he marvels at how far the world has advanced since the days when the players he ever bought were dangerously hirsute Anglo-Saxons.
Hirsute Celts are just as good, and Birmingham’s strawberry-blond Alex McLeish is after a couple in Aiden McGeady and Kris Boyd. While McGeady has approximately 100% change of being exposed as a showpony by most Premier League defenders, Boyd’s case is an interesting one. He scores goals in industrial quantities, yet nobody seems to take him seriously because he a) offers little to his team apart from goals, and b) he plays in Scotland. This despite the fact that most of the old-school still cling to the delusion that Michael Owen should be at the World Cup even though he a) offers little to his team apart from missed chances, and b) doesn’t play at all.
Another man who hasn’t been playing much of late is Burnley’s Ecuador winger Fernando Guerrero. Their manager Brian Laws, in no way dealing in stereotypes, has apparently decided that Guerrero is not suited to a relegation battle and has decided to release him. Maybe Guerrero doesn’t look like the kind of man who would get sufficiently passionate about the cause to throw a plate of chicken wings at a colleague’s face. Those are the people you want in the trenches.
Finally, there’s a rumour going round that everyone’s favourite former Watford fan, Tim Lovejoy, did the FA Cup draw yesterday. This one can’t be true, because there is no way ITV would allow him to hammer the last nail into the FA Cup’s coffin. No way would they do that.
EvertonTottenham HotspurRob Smythguardian.co.uk
